The Clown House Communal Dream Journal

16th April 2020

in the nightmare it was like. my brain yoinked me and went "You know what would be cool? You live in a dystopia now."
i don't remember the exact details, but i do know that being killed was a very real possibility.
i also remember that i had another dream in this same setting before, probably with more backstory context, but i dont know.

everything was very rigidly structured, there were very set paths to everywhere.
i guess think like the layout of a large school, because now that i think about it my brain might've been mimicking my school's layout just with different rooms.

i got picked with a bunch of other girls (i didnt see any guys) to perform heathers, and i dont think i got any auditions because i dont remember any.
i do remember though that the girl originally going to play veronica wasnt doing it anymore because she caused some trouble and i really didnt see her again.
i really really wanted to be friends with these girls because i felt safe and protected around them, but while i dont think they like...
outright disliked me they brushed me off a lot.
we got to the auditorium just fine and got backstage, but i started panicking because everyone had brought their own costumes and i had Not, just my bag with my own clothes.
eventually when the performance was about to start the lady running it came up to me and asked where my outfits were,
i told her that they were still in [girl who was previously in the role]'s room and i could go run and get it.

she said no, and after a bit of back and forth where i called my outfit frumpy enough to work for the first bit and she agreed (which. ow my self esteem),
i realized that i'd have to specifically do a quick change during 'beautiful' so it wouldn't work, and i could see the other girls peeking in from backstage because like.
we were in a weird little sideroom that looked like a clinic waiting room but much much smaller, with a door to the stage and a door to backstage.

eventually she (the lady) just told me to improvise and that my new role was a background character thrust into the main character role,
and i asked if she was sure it was a good idea and said that i could just go get the costumes and she said no in that 'i know best' tone and sent me onstage.
and i went up and i tried so goddamn hard to work with what i was given but people were expecting something completely different and all i could hear was disappointment.
so i went backstage, humiliated, hid, and played some pokemon diamond until the lady came in again and told me to run and get the costumes from missing girl's room.

i'm upset and absolutely humiliated so of course i fucking run,
but on the way my mom joins me and tries to comfort me by telling me all the stuff she n my dad had planned for after the show
which only makes me feel worse because before the show it was made explicitly clear that both the best and worst performer are getting voted up for one of them to be killed off
and im decidedly the worst performer so i was probably going to be the one on the chopping block. i can't go on a bike ride waith my mom when i'm dead.

and then i woke up.

- Cecilia

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